at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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