I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
