Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I just put wine in my tea
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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