She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
