hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
