fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize