my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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