dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
