He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think my moral compass just broke
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