wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
