I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
