My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So much rum. So many feels.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
