I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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