I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
