a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drake has all the answers
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
