I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he thought i was a dude.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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