i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
