I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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