a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize