She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
