Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
