I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's shark week go big or go home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
