Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
