I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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