i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
