first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
