if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
