I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
