OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
