Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
