we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
