I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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