Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
don't judge my taste in strippers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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