Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
