so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
