Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
dude. I can hear the air.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
