i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
