I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
