It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
zippers are such a cool invention
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
