I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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