I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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