I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
