No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
