seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
