I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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