I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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