Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
