I hate your face
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
