How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
