Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
