drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
