you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
