i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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