Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
