hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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