Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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